Panic Attack Nightmare

by Lauren
(United Kingdom)

I am a female of 16 years. When I turned 14 i became seriously ill and had to have a major operation on my brain. I had a brain abcess. I was only a couple of hours away from death. It was a traumatic experience for me but i thankfully survived and returned to my normal self! Well so i thought.. until one day at school i had a really bad turn and hallucinated. This is when my "panic attack" nightmare begun. I honestly thought i was dying but once i was taken to the medical room and came around i realised what had actually happened. I was so scared incase i had one again. From then on, i constantly had panic attacks at least a couple of times a day. They would only last about 2 minutes but they were really bad. I felt dizzy, shaky and as if i wasnt actually there. Everytime i had a panic attack i felt as if i was going to die. I suffered from panic attacks for about a year and a half. It was terrible, they were ruiening my life. I used to get them at school. Then when i was out shopping one day with my friends i had a panic attack. And from then on i used to avoid going into shopping centres incase i had another panic attack. Obviously i would need to go into shopping centres but i would avoid to as much as i could. I would always have panic attacks whenever i entered a shopping centre. i created more and more phobias over time, i was now scared of buildings. Large open spaces. I had a really bad turn in an airport and from then on i always had panic attacks in airports. It was crazy! Then last year i was on holiday in Dubai (August 2009) and i went into their shopping mall. (largest in the world) i was terrified of the thought of going in there but was trying to fight my fears. When i entered it i seemed to be alright. A bit anxious but was trying to take my mind off it, i was in Dubai for goodness sake! It got to the point when i literally could not stop thinking about panic attacks that i had the worst panic attack i have ever had. I squeezed onto my mum's hand so tight because i was so frightened. I just burst into tears because i was so fed up of these panic attacks affecting my life. We had to leave the shopping centre and get a taxi back to our hotel. I felt really bad for my family aswell cos it was meant to be our night out. They went the following night anyway so i didn't feel so bad then. My mum and i had realised after that episode that i would need to get some sort of help. After our holiday i got a load of appointments to see a psychologist for counselling. I had loads of sessions with her and i think she has really helped me. We would talk about my fears and try to find ways to overcome these panic attacks. I have improved alot because when i used to wake up each morning, panic attacks used to be the first thing on my mind and the last thing when i went to bed. They really were controlling my life. Now this doesnt happen. Im not going to lie, I do still get the occasional panic attack and i do still get weird sensations at times and i can still feel very anxious. But its not all going to go away at once, it will go gradually. But i tend not to avoid things as much. The worry is still in the back of my mind but i will try to fight it because i want to live my life and not have to worry about these things ruining my life. After all, you can't die from panic attacks.